By Puja

Sneha wrote a piece a while ago called I am F.I.N.E. in which she adopted the following acronym for “FINE.”

F: FREAKED OUT

I: INSECURE

N: NEUROTIC

E: EMOTIONAL

That version of “FINE” is my default setting. And the emotion is either frustration or rage, with a soupçon of self-loathing (more like a soup pot, but whatever). My mood has been crappy for the better part of the year. Sometimes it was just carry-over from 2016, sometimes it is some new tragedy (either personal or universal), and sometimes it was a misery of my own making. Like I said, a perpetual state of F.I.N.E.

Where do I find Joy? How am I interacting with the world? Honestly, rarely and not well. There are pockets of things that make me smile, but mostly I just put one foot in front of the other and keep it moving. I was told that is called survival. I was told that is called strength.

At this point, I think it is important that I point out that I literally can find the bad in anything. Like I want to say it isn’t strength or survival, it is laziness. I could try and change, but what is the point? That takes effort and work and I do not have the energy reserves to constantly be working on myself. When will I get to a state of happiness with myself if I keep doing that? Never.

But what about Speaking Truth To Power?

Hell if I know. These days, I am toying with Nihilism.

I saw my psychic on Saturday. One of the first questions she asked me was if I cheated on her. And I totally lied (because I did see another psychic, but she was also Wicca so does it count?). I wonder if she knew I was lying?

Doesn’t matter. My reading was better than the last few times she and I visited. This time, I focused my question on the usual question I ask any spiritualist I see, what my money look like? Well not in so many words. I ask about my career. Will I  win the lottery, get some out of the blue rare disease, have an epic love affair? Probably not. Will I work until I drop dead? Most assuredly.

So I picked my 10 tarot cards and my psychic said that it looks like I have put some things/people behind me and nothing but rainbows and sunshine on my way to achieving my career goal. I just have to conquer my self-doubt and bada-bing, bada-boom, pentacles I mean money. Well technically she said “rewards” (or was it riches?) Here is the really fucked up part:

I don’t believe her.

Not one word. That is not wholly true. I believe if she means ‘the pursuit of your dreams will bring you rewards.’ As in the universe saying yes bitch you is poor in money, but rich in experience. The universe is your cheap uncle on your birthday. Yes, I essentially paid a woman to tell me things I don’t believe. She is rarely right about me. She once told me to make a move on the certain someone…who had a live-in girlfriend and by that point I started to loathe his existence in my life. That was almost two years ago. Why do I keep going back? Because I am a moron, leave me alone. Sometimes she is rightish, she tells me I am my own worst enemy, she tells me when there is bad juju around me…but she doesn’t get it all the way right. Last year, when I went to see her I asked her about someone and she told me that he and I are meant to be soulmates…friend soulmates. How this lady gonna  tell me facts about my life as if she is James Bond?

You will be soulmates, friend soulmates. 

That was when I cheated on her and saw the Wicca psychic. She was wrong about the fool with a live-in, she could have been wrong about this. I must have been smitten (or stupid). Wicca psychic essentially told me the same thing, but she gave me a spell just in case I really really needed him. I posit she picked up on my love of Harry Potter. Otherwise that just makes me look a little sad. Those of you sitting there saying that it is sad that I go to a psychic, I hear you.

And I will come for you.

Threats aside, the final card that was laid out was what she called the victory card. She made me take a picture of it.

This is the five of swords.

The image of the 5 of Swords in the deck is depicted with a person who has captured the swords of his adversaries who are leaving, rejected and lost. There are storm clouds in the background. This card shows that you might be the conqueror or the conquered. But neither position has actually won. This battle was pointless, it was unfair and it was full of cowardliness. Basically, this is not one of the higher points of your life. Your inner feelings of inadequacy are weighing down on you heavily and whether you succeeded or lost, you have an unshakable sense of humiliation. Now you must rely even more heavily than normal on your inner voice because others are definitely going to have something negative to say about you. -http://www.auntyflo.com/tarot/five-swords

Well thanks for nothing.

Well if that didn’t exacerbate my already fortified distrust of people.

Literally every fricking site says the same thing about the five of swords -it isn’t a positive card. Dammit, am I selfish? I didn’t think I was. I guess one more flaw to add to the pile of what is wrong with me.

Silver lining: I’m just F.I.N.E.

#StayWoke