By Laura

A couple of weeks ago I went on a bit of a rant against an FNG* at my office. Well apparently I’m not done yet. The little heifer I was picking on 1) not only called me “ma’am” and 2) complained loudly for several hours how it was unfair she couldn’t take over the Employee Association (which she is not a member off) and 3) ticked off a number of “customers” so I have to expedite my work to help her out.

*If you don’t have an urban dictionary or are familiar with military speak, its stands for f%$king new guy.

We had a big to-do come to our office. The little to-dos above me went on a tangent about cleaning up the office, don’t request selfies, don’t ask stupid questions, she has a security detail. Um, there are armed guards at our door, why is this security detail special (note: we figured out which one he was, we think, and our guard could take her guard 🙂 )

I don’t think my particular nemesis in the FNG category is friends with some of the other FNGs, but they all seemed to geek out about the big to-do. I mean PEARLS AND PANTYHOSE on a Thursday? You’re not meeting the Queen. These little girls went all out. (I know, I know, it’s derogatory to refer to these young lady lawyers as “little girls,” but I already called one of them a heifer in the second sentence up top and if referring to someone as a cow who hasn’t given birth isn’t a little funny, maybe you don’t have the same humor I do.)

Well the meeting was 50 feet from our desk cluster – maybe a 20 second walk. They [the FNGs] were 10 minutes early. It was adorably annoying. But the worst part was that after the big to-do had gone, the little to-dos made a point of noting how nice it was the FNGs dressed up and stood up front – it looked ‘good for the office’.

Cue eye roll.

So there are 400 people here, 5 look nice, the rest of us look like normal, beaten down people and you think that by complimenting the 5, it will motivate me to emulate them? Nope. I’m still cleaning up after them; I have no desire to preen over them.

This rant part deux begs the question though:

When did I become such a curmudgeon?

Is bubbly effervescence really a bad thing? Shouldn’t I want to mold these young minds into something that is good for me society? Didn’t I acknowledge when I called her heifer that I was picking on her? I’m not a very woke person if I’m trying to steepen her climb (which is still trying to go over my face).

So here is my new strategy towards FNGs:

• As an old lady, I get to continue to rail against them – kids need to get off my lawn.
• If you have questions, I will help you out – sister to sister, lawyer to lawyer.
• If you want to hitch your cart to something to get to the top, I will not stand in your way. Just don’t expect me point out which animals you’re hitching too are slippery little f**ckers. You must learn that on your own young Padawan.