By: Laura

Listen. I get it. You’ve read Lean In. You’re taking on the world. But take some advice – you keep leaning in that much, I’m going push you in and cackle.

I know, that’s a harsh statement on a Monday morning but I’m the nice one and you’re starting to tick me off.

You: you new-hire, you FNG, you with your law license for five (5) very tender months, you with you overly aggressive can-do attitude and opinion that because this job does not flow the way you want it too means that all of us who have been here for double digit years are idiots who move too slow. I did the math, when I started this job, you couldn’t drive. That ages me and makes you so *&!#@#$ young.

I understand though. I was new (and young) once too.  I wanted to succeed in my job and be successful in my profession; however, the practice of law, in whatever form, and the attendance of law school are not the same thing.  Just because you can organize your cubicle in a effing-cutsy fashion and Google-search non-profit law in Louisiana does not make you an expert.

Can you actually apply your ‘legal research’ to the file(s) in front of you? Have you been berated by an organizer of a non-profit because they didn’t organize their business the way they actually use it?  Have you had to tell an octogenarian the home they’ve lived in for 60 years, they don’t legally own? The list could go on.

I can bore you with details on this job, but you wouldn’t listen.  You are already six steps ahead of me and have LITERALLY SAID YOU WILL RUN THIS PLACE SOON.  Be careful little one because the people you are attempting to step on to reach the top have age and experience chock full of frustration, exhaustion, minor successes, and have been whittling their pitchforks for years.

If you want to succeed here take some friendly advice: stop saying ‘um’ all the time; what was funny in college, isn’t funny anymore; don’t wear a full suit on a Friday, it’s just annoying – we have a business casual dress code and you’re ruining it with your *&%^ pantyhose; stop dating your coworker – we like him and when it ends, we will be on his side – we had a vote, you lost; when you’re ready to attempt your coup, if we actually like you, we might help you – we disdain management just as much as you (see prior reference to pitchforks – they can be used against many individuals.).

For now, learn the job first and then learn how to improve it.  Pretend you care about something other than yourself (hint: ask me about my kids; they make me smile and you will see that my ruler for measure of success is not work). Finally, bring food – we love food, especially donuts.

#leaninbutnottoofar #bringdonuts #nopantyhoseonfridays #isurvivedy2k #fngsareexhausting #imsavingmypitchforkbuticanpracticeonyou