By Michelle W
Something has been slowly uncurling itself inside by body, and I am now getting flecks of hisses from creative ideas which are germinating in my head. I feel alive again, I feel more aligned with people, because I know this feeling- this is the feeling of coming Home.
You see for quite some time I would say I have been living in darkness, with a heavy fog clouding my already obscure eyesight. The weight of everyday decisions felt as an elephant sitting on my chest. The needs of others felt as though they were draining my life-source. You see from the outside, I looked ok- not great- not perfect, however I was screaming around like Britney with a shaved head needing lock down. I just thought this is now me and my predicament.
You see a few months ago I was asked to write a guest submission for a blog, the thought hung around my neck suffocating me. Not because I felt like I couldn’t give her something, anything, but it would be another To Do. It would not have my spirit embodied in my work. I knew it would suck because all I could write would be a formulaic A+B= C. As you know, easily simplistic things are rarely good- mostly disposable. I simply responded at this time, “I am lacking all creativity”. Which was not a lie it was just my final acknowledgement of hitting rock bottom.
I was simply existing.
I have known for a LONG TIME that I was now in this existing period but I wasn’t able to get out of it. I kept telling myself, “This is just a season”. It was never just a season. Somewhere along the way, I abandoned my desire– of anything and of everything.
Straight up there you go.
Desire. Now that word conjures up a lot in people. It may even make you uncomfortable. Sometimes, it can be easy as desiring a cold ice cream on a hot day, or desiring a true friend to commiserate with or the desire to feel wanted. Humans need desire to feel, well, Human- and not a robot remember Ex Machina ?
A few months ago, I decided I needed to host a one-time learning event for my staff. I wrote the agenda, my scripts, the slides, and delivered it. I hesitated before, I drug it out and fraught with anticipation of will people actually learn from this. Will they give valuable feedback? I used to love doing this? Will I be disappointed if I do not perform to my expectations? My delivery at times was shaky, but I did it. During the session, I felt looser, happier, and more energetic.
I said something in the discussion I know “cerebrally” but I hadn’t practiced in a very, very long time.
“If you keep doing the same thing, talking to the same people, thinking the same thought, YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE. “
Unbeknownst to me this was my confessional- just delivered in front of my staff.
I am starting to uncover what happened to me. It was not a tragic event, the world didn’t quit spinning. Apparently I made conscious steps, strides, and gallops to a new belief system. I adopted and carried around like a shield a blazoned across my chest. And it was slowly killing the very essence of me.
Somewhere along the way, I became a fully converted believer of the Law of Scarcity about life.
My Internal Dialogue: “Don’t ask for this, you won’t get it. You aren’t good enough anyway. Don’t do that, it will take too much time. Don’t have fun. Don’t, Don’t, Don’t, Don’t…………………………………….”
The perception of people who are around me: “She always says No”, “She will give you her unsolicited opinion even if you don’t ask for it”, “She never wants to go out”, “Why so negative?”
I think you get the picture. I indoctrinated myself daily with the new codes of conduct: “You are not good enough, you are not smart enough, you are not spiritual enough, and you are not this and that” to the point… This Belief of Scarcity was becoming my own self-prescribed reality. As you can imagine my tribe dwindled -well the dinosaurs are now extinct. My spiritual capacity was zero. My view on the future was another Groundhog Day on repeat, over and over and over again.
Now my staff had no idea a light bulb was going off for me on those seminar days: I felt the energy, I felt the desire to move on; I needed new. I needed it now.
I started doing things I liked to do: reading, went away on a trip, and wow, Old Me starting to showing up just in glimpses here and there.
I asked a friend to start on my spiritual journey with me. I realized when I was reading about successful / happy people they believe in a purpose. First, I had to come to an understanding: I didn’t know my purpose- let alone let it guide me. Each day, this is a work in progress, wrestling to understand and define my purpose of existing.
I am putting my toe in the water: talking to new people, reading as much as I can consume and working on the small controllable tasks called life.
I am just at the beginning of my journey towards Home. I am coming Home, to my old self, my true self. Every step, every crawl, every small lift of air will propel me closer.
Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
-Coldplay: Fix You