I am on a business trip this week, and that means I cannot string coherent thoughts together in between all day meetings, working late, trying to make it to the gym, and being stuck in Atlanta traffic (the 405 in L.A. is not the worst gridlock in the US). Also, I left my schedule at home and I forgot what I was supposed to write today. But never fear, I have a blogger’s cop-out and BuzzFeed fodder for you: a Listicle. I am so sorry, we will get back to me sharing my crazy in an attempt at cheap group therapy next week. Until then, here are some random thoughts I had (and wrote down) over the last few weeks.
Peeping Tom Witnesses on TV Shows
I watch a lot of detective shows, chances are you do too. I blame it on Nancy Drew and Christopher Meloni. Have you ever noticed that when the intrepid detectives hit a wall they stumble upon a chance witness who offers some piece of evidence that breaks the case? Often it is a peeping Tom neighbor of some sort, who happened to see/overhear the murder or an argument. These shows are so formulaic that you never really pay attention to the poor actor reciting his lines knowing this may be her/his only scene in the episode. The dialogue usually goes something like this:
Good Cop: Did you see what happened across the street the night of the 19th?
Peeping Tom Witness: Maybe. I keep to myself. I don’t want any trouble.
Bad Cop: What is that telescope doing in the corner? You a star gazer there buddy? Can’t really see any stars in the city? What are you looking at with this telescope?
(Bad Cop looks into the telescope’s eyepiece)
Bad Cop: Well lookie here, these aren’t the stars, this is a direct view of our victim’s apartment. Start talking or we haul you downtown for stalking.
Peeping Tom Witness: What No? I am writing my dissertation on the nocturnal mating patterns of reticulated blue crested finch north of the equator before the vernal equinox.
Good Cop: OK. During your “research” did you happen to see what happened across the street on the night of the 19th?
Peeping Tom Witness: Yes. (Gives up the goods)
I mean time after time these witnesses come up with some cockamamie story as to why they are being a perv. Well at least on network TV. I am sure premium cable calls them out for being gross. Shout out to the poor writers who have to think of new and somewhat plausible reasons a peeping tom became a witness.
Where Do Adults Go to Learn to Play A Sport?
Last week I had dinner with some of my law school chums. One of them plays in a soccer league in Houston. I asked her if she was picking up the sport again since childhood and she said no. This was her first time playing any kind of sport. First of all, how cool is she to be doing this? I am not brave enough to just join a league and start playing a sport. I need to learn the basics, I need to study tape, I need someone to correct my form before I go embarrass myself and let my teammates down on the field/court/pool where points can be scored. Second of all, where do adults go to learn to play sports? I wouldn’t mind learning not to be a nervous nelly and just go for it. But in real life, I want to learn Kendo. I only see Jujitsu or Muay Thai gyms in my area. Kendo specifically partly because the uniform (Hakama) is something right up my aesthetic. But mostly because if I am supposed to go through life speaking softly and carrying a big stick I need people to know I can damage them with the stick.
What Happens if the Large Hadron Collider Recreates Another Big Bang?
Will the earth collide with itself? Will a big bang be mimicked? Will we create another universe? If we create another universe, do we destroy ours? What if our universe is the result of another universe conducting the same experiments? Did we destroy them? Are they out there? What if this new universe has beings different that humans? Is there more than one dimension? Are we in an infinite loop to keep doing this (creating universes within universes)? This actually keeps me up at night.
And lastly, If ‘This Call Is Being Monitored for Quality Assurance’ Does Anyone Have Archived Sex Hotline Calls?
And if they do, how can I get my hands on them? I have an idea for a rock opera. Also I need someone to teach me to write music…or play music. I can sing off-key.
Things Keeping Me Sane This Week: This week marked the 20th anniversary of the death of 2Pac. Obviously that meant non-stop repeat of “I Get Around,” “Brenda’s Got A Baby,” “I Ain’t Mad At You?” and “All Eyes On Me.” You cannot help but wonder what could have been, would he have been an activist like John Lennon? Would he be a multi-industry mogul like Jay-Z? Or would he be just about the music? If you are reading this Pac, you were a damn poet.