by Sneha

Why do we allow our past to haunt and define our future? A clean slate; isn’t that what we all deserve. So why is it so hard? Why do we hold onto our bad experiences, failures and pain and allow ourselves to continue to suffer? Is it a way to cope or is it just a crutch to make sure “IT” doesn’t happen again?

My friends have shown me courage through their own adversity, discrimination and new adventures these past few months which gives me the strength to re-evaluate my own life. I’ve made certain choices which has lead me to where I am now, but now in my thirties, I wonder, did I make the right decisions? Why do I keep going back to the past? Why can’t I just let it go and move forward?

A clean slate is easier said than done. So, where do we start? Regardless of what it is, a mere regret, divorce, the loss of a loved one, a failed business, or getting fired (you know there’s a lot more); where do you begin? Initially we feel pain, sadness, fear, and in most cases, we begin to over think and analyze our situation. We are clouded by negativity and loss of hope/faith. How do we move past it?

We all make mistakes, bad decisions or take risks; which may end in total and utter failure, but ask yourself, was it worth it? The answer is probably yes; then why do we continue to blame ourselves? My post today follows closely to my fellow bloggers Rashee and Laura in their most recent posts. I’ll tell you the first step, it is pride. Why aren’t we more proud of ourselves for the risks and opportunities we took advantage of? Failure and pain are just a part of life but it becomes poison when it limits our potential for future success. It’s taking me a long time to admit that my world won’t end just because I failed, got yelled at by a supervisor or lost a trial. That is when you pick yourself up and believe that fate has something better in store for you. All you have to do is keep going and keep looking.

Easier said than done, I know, I hear ya. For example, I too, had a career goal: to be a prosecutor, excel, make a difference and keep moving on up (aka promotions). After so many years in this one field, I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall. Is it politics, my personality, my lack of skills or just bad luck? I really don’t know. Should I have done something differently? If so, then where did I go wrong? All I know is what I am good at and that I love social work. I’ve always enjoyed constant people interaction in a fast paced world so the DA’s office is perfect. I could have chosen a number of paths but I chose law; but I still wonder, should I have chosen differently?

I’ve decided that all these questions linger because I won’t give myself a clean slate. I continue to try but some of my past still haunts me. I know that’s just an excuse so from today on, I will let it go (insert song from Frozen) and allow myself a clean slate, not only professionally, but personally. Every day should be a fresh start. But I still ask (as I struggle with letting go) is giving yourself a clean slate emotional forgiveness or mental forgiveness? I guess the healthy answer is a bit of both.