On November 1, 2017 I turned in a project at work that I had been working on for 6 months. 6 months that I can never get back. All you need to know is that I have impostor syndrome.
I don’t know how to feel about the fact that two women coined the phrase
Luckily for me, I have the gift of foresight. I asked for, and received, a co-project lead (I am an attorney WTF do I know about writing formulas in excel?*); all you need to know about that is that she once called me ‘a pinnacle of diplomacy’ but also she-kind-of-spoke-to-men-less-condescendingly-than-she-did-women…(…-of-color).
I both lost weight (ohhh I was fly in July) and gained [double] the weight back (I don’t remember September). What does this mean? Now I have time to free think again. This is the thinking you do that isn’t anxiety-driven or stress-driven. This is the time to create. Since the project has been over, I have my life back (soon to be given over to Sri Ganeshji and Le Gym because I am not buying new clothes). And since having my life back, all I’ve done is eat and free think (and marathon shows).
OMG Stranger Things 2 am I right? Do you think they will call the final season Strangest Things? Or do a prequel called Strange Things?
This past Tuesday, while going over the speed bump that ALWAYS seems to come out of nowhere, I free thought myself to this, supposition (?):
WHAT IF I LIVED MY LIFE AS IF I WAS RUNNING FOR US SENATE?
You may be saying “So what?” or “who cares?” or “dear God no!” or “Oh Hell no!” I get it. EXCEPT that in that exact moment, as my entire body was made to feel exactly like Jell-O jiggling onto a plate because of that stupid speed bump, I thought “is this what goal setting feels like? You’ve never set a real goal before. Is this what it is supposed to feel like?” Later that day at the office, when my director was making his obligatory annual ask about career goals, I let slip that my long-term goal was to be in the US Senate.
I totally understand that he may think I am “off,” but people at work know I attended several protests as well as the Women’s Convention, so maybe it is plausible. Maybe not, I am just now remembering the mortifying detail that I also told him I don’t have as much confidence in my abilities (IMPOSTOR SYNDROME!) as I would like, after he praised my work product. Yes. I am that neurotic. Yes, I know.
This is may seem like a small deal to you, setting a goal. Props to you if it is. I sat down to write this because today I realized Tuesday was the first time I did’t set a goal that wasn’t centered around academics or weight loss.
Now I also know what a metaphorical kick in the kidney would feel like.
- Age 17: Top 5% of High School Class = scholarship money & Lose weight
- Age 20: Finally picked a major & Lose weight
- Age 21: Get good LSAT Score, get into law school & Lose weight
- Age 24: Pass the Bar & Lose weight
- Age 25: Passed the Bar, Get a Good Job & Lose weight
- Age 29: Get Promotion & Lose weight
- Age 34: Hey I lost some weight, get a better job & Lose weight
And here we are, still trying to lose weight…and realizing I spent the last 20 years of my life studying and trying to lose weight.
Is that all goal setting was? Figuring out what your calling may be and working towards it? The first goal I set and it is one that would be flipping historical?
Well I am extra.
Ah well, let’s see where this goes. After all, that speed bump comes out of nowhere.
Wait, aren’t speed bumps supposed to be bad things on the road of life?
* more than I’d like to know, I’ll tell you that.