How to Survive: Cuffing Season

By Puja

I feel like I should apologize for spazzing on posting last week. I do have a schedule of what to write, but I am not inspired by any of the topics this month (‘Why Representation Matters,’ ‘Diwali,’ ‘Election Day’). So I punted. Sorry, I will try and do better.

Lately, life has been a little rough. For all of us. Do you know how many memes there are about how much 2016 sucks? Does 2016 suck more than any other year? Well presidential election years do drag on your psyche, and one of the psychics I saw this year said something is in retrograde. Is it seasonal affective disorder? Possibly. I just can’t be bothered. Is it because the holidays (Navraatri, Diwali, Halloween, Election Day, Veteran’s Day, the day I was expelled from the womb, Thanksgiving, and then all of December) feels like one long train of stress, obligation, and calories?

No it is none of that. It is blasted ‘cuffing season.’ Cuffing season is stupid. And I am not just saying that because I am #SingleAF. What is cuffing season? The top definition on urban dictionary is:

During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

Let’s break this down shall we?

During the Fall and Winter months…

Is this supposed to make me associate singledom with being left out in the cold? It is October 25th, and it is 74 degrees outside. Also did you see that list of holidays above? And work is coming to the end of year, don’t tell me you don’t have deadlines or other big things to do. Next.

people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous…

Second  of all, if you would rather be single or promiscuous, you are not affected by cuffing season, you literally can’t be bothered with that drama. You are probably the people who ghost all the time – we will get to you and your crimes against humanity on another post. Dating is terrible, and now practically everyone is online dating. Online dating is a ‘new’ culture onto itself. You have to know how to word your profile, what pics to choose, have an opening line, go through the motions of a conversation, hope no one asks for nudes, and finally agree to meet in person. Half the things presented  on dating profiles are played up to better chances of being chosen. I have a friend who takes all his first dates to the same restaurant. You as the woman don’t know that you are the cut-out in a template date. Even so, aren’t all first dates the same? Same questions, same banter, same anxieties. Can I liken first dates to going on job interview after job interview? So now on top of your online profile of stretched truths (resume), and standard issue desires (goals), you now have stock answers to questions you’ve memorized through extensive workshopping from prior failed encounters (‘where do you see yourself in five years?’). So, IMHO, whoever you are or whoever you meet during cuffing season isn’t going to be 100% authentic. And if you are cuffed to that person, when the house of cards comes tumbling down, as it will because people suck, how much drama is that? Clearly, if you are bothered about not participating in cuffing season, you are not someone who would rather be single. You do you baby.

So if you would rather be single or promiscuous, why would any of the above appeal to you?  Speaking as someone who would rather be single 98% of the time, it doesn’t. It is the stuff of nightmares.

find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship.

Third of all, who told you that you need to be cuffed? The patriarchy. Do you know how much work relationships take to maintain, let alone a serious monogamous relationship? More power to you, if you are willing to go that road. To me, it feels like the precursor to my own version of “I know why the caged bird sings.” It sings because it is pissed it is tied to a person who I now have to ask whether it is OK to have a girls/boys night with my friends and judges me when I have dishes in the sink for more than three  seven days. I can actually hear my mother’s heart breaking from shame.

What are the benefits of cuffing? Someone tell me, maybe I am not seeing the forest for the trees. Do I get a tax break? Do I get extra coupons? Do I save money with a bae? I am not someone who is used to / or is comfortable with people paying for me. I have expensive tastes and I will pay for my own things. What money is saved? Don’t I have to buy bae presents since it is the holidays? And don’t I have to spend money on personal upkeep that I wouldn’t normally?

hairylegs

And for those of you who respond with ‘you have someone to talk to. someone to share your day with, etc.’ I have friends. Are you telling me that once I am cuffed, I won’t see or talk to my friends as much? Ugh. And while I am kvetching about this, you people who abandon your friends to cuff up for the winter with a practical stranger are on thin ice. Just know that when you come back to the fold, all you are going to hear from me is that relationships steal your soul. So don’t expect sympathy from me (unless of course you are being severely mistreated by a non-standard issue crazy person). On a practical level, I can’t relate, I don’t want a relationship so all my advice will be to leave him/her. Oh you got one more? You want to talk to me about sex? You want a bae for sex? See the “second of all” above. If one is predisposed to being single or promiscuous, get yours and keep it moving. If you have crippling social anxiety and/or the FWB went and got cuffed, invest the time in learning to be the master of your domain.

Fourth of all, who created cuffing season? Is this some subversive marketing technique where cuffing season was ‘incepted’ on us? Oh the winter is coming, cuddle up with bae and enjoy peppermint lattes at the Christmas Tree Lighting. You know what I heard there? Here, have this up-charged peppermint hot chocolate while we stand in a massive crowd full of people (crying children, annoying people, germs, and then the traffic to get there and back) to watch us exacerbate the energy crisis by allocating electricity usage to a dead tree. Give me a damn break.

The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

Fifth of all (side note I am always confused if it should be ‘fifthly’ or ‘fifth of all’ or just ‘fifth’), what cold weather? Have you heard of climate change? The world is getting warmer. “Winter” is now mild spring, so you could be outdoors doing stuff, not trapped indoors. All year long. Also, once cuffing season rolls around, all of a sudden you are too good for Netflix binges and long uninterrupted naps? Oh please can I go outdoors and be among strangers during cold and flu season? Can I? No thanks.  And to get very morbid about it, I personally would rather stay inside my own apartment until we get some comprehensive gun control out in these streets. Lately, I have found myself searching the crowds, knowing the exits, looking for places to hide in case shit pops off, and generating other escape scenarios in my head. I will be damned if I am murdered while on some tinder date listening to someone talk about brewing their own beer. I know that is alarmist, but my fears are real to me.

Finally (we made it), who are all these cuffed people you come across? A 2015 Gallup Poll showed that the percentage of single, non-cohabitating adults rose to 64% in the last decade. So who is putting all this pressure on you to cuff up? Is it yourself? Why? Are you ready to date and all that comes with it? Then go forth and cuff. But if it is just to be part of the masses and not feel left out, be ready for what is going to come at you. And for the rest of us, throw the cuffs away, enjoy your unabated freedom, do things you always want to do or love and your happiness will find you.

How to Survive Cuffing Season? DGAF about cuffing season. Focus on you and what makes you happy. If relationships make you happy, go forth and find one. If they don’t, lets talk about whats on our Netflix/Amazon Prime queues. Stay strong single friends.

Also you are welcome to counterpoint me, we are looking for guest  bloggers. Do you LOVE cuffing season and want us to know why? Hit us up, we will gladly present the other side.


Things Keeping Me Sane This Week: I was asked to join a fantasy basketball league for the first time. I am an avid basketball fan, but I don’t know how fantasy leagues work. My friend is patiently explaining it to me, but it seems daunting and complicated, so bless his tolerant heart. The thing keeping me sane is IT IS OPENING WEEK OF THE 2016-2017 NBA SEASON!!!!  I may be extra ebullient because it is my favorite sport of all the sports (Quidditch is second). I may actually have to buy a TV this year. And because they are my boys and I love them, LETS GO MAVS. #MFFL

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