By Puja

That pretty much encapsulates my dating life.

So about 50 times this week (I know it is only Tuesday) I have had occasion to say “Since I will die alone and my cats will eat my face, I might as well just eat pizza so that my corpse is pizza flavored.” That would be a nice treat for my future cats, ‘mmm Pizza flavored mom’ they will purr.  What can I say, I am a thoughtful kind of gal.

In this forum you have read confessions of my  zero game,  generalized anxiety, and struggles with loving myself. Wait, that’s why I am single, mystery solved!  Just kidding, that is not what this post is about. When I was younger my parents told me I could not date; to ‘focus on my studies.’ Fine whatever, I was awkward with a uni-brow, hairy arms, ashy elbows, and an under-developed fashion sense, no one was trying to get with this. So when I looked up after graduating law school I thought now is the time, the world is my oyster (please note that all my younger siblings had relationships before finishing school).

The world was not so much my oyster as it was a dead jellyfish washed up on the beach. I have tried a few dating apps, no luck. To be truthful, I got mad at Match and eHarmony because their algorithms gave me the exact opposite of what I asked for and I saw no point in continuing. What was I paying for if not the algorithm? I can meet men who don’t appeal to me the old fashioned way thank you very much. We all know the free ones are for hooking up and general tom-foolery right? Let’s not pretend otherwise. Just a general question to guys on ANY of these apps why for the love of all that is holy and good why do you need a picture of my tits? Just google image search tits. Lazy bastards.

I asked a good friend of mine, who is a good flirt, what I was doing wrong. She told me that I come off as too smart. Wait, whut? Was I being told to dumb it down to get a man? This is exactly why the patriarchy should be demolished. So along with the above stated worries, now I have to worry about the one thing I am super confident about? I sacrificed developing coquettish ways, eschewed romance, and settled to exist in one-sided crushes that led to the Zone of Friendshipshire to build an active and curious mind, and it was holding me back? Was this true? You know what, if it is I don’t care. I am proud to be intelligent and I expect that from anyone I dare to share breathing space with. I actually find intelligence very sexy. #SmartIsSexy.

I mostly enjoy being single, don’t get me wrong. I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want.  In fact, I am sitting on my bed, in my underwear, eating fried rice from the carton with a plastic fork as I write this. Side note, in other scenarios, what I just described would be a cry for help. #Adulting. I can hear you saying that sitting alone in your bedroom doing nothing sounds like every working adult’s dream. Here is the problem, today I had a very long meltdown about something crush related. So long, I dragged my friends into it to pull me out of it (as I have often recommended as a self-care routine), but today I was defeated by my own negativity. My BFF reminded me that my psychic said I self-sabotage, because I don’t feel I deserve good things. What is this newest hell I have entered? I am usually aware of when I am getting in my own way, but for this particular trigger, I did not see it coming. Blindsided.

If you have been reading this blog, you know about Mean Puja. Well Mean Puja serves a purpose, she protects me from things. She walls me up, doesn’t let me be vulnerable, and is very mistrustful of people.  I sent her packing in an effort to try and love myself, and the minute she was gone, I went and got hurt. So I called her back. I called her and begged her to come back and shore up my defenses. Was it the right thing to do? It feels right, anything is better than feeling expendable and exposed. Right? I am legitimately asking. If you participated in the ‘seven days love your spouse challenge’ I am not soliciting your advice. Fellow career singles, rise up. Let your voice be heard! Are you happier being alone than trying to navigate the polluted waters of today’s dating pool? Or am I being too neurotic, needy and extra? Leave your comments below or on our facebook page. Help me fix my dismal dating life.

You ever have one of those days when you know it is going to be a struggle? That no matter what affirmations you tell yourself, how much meditating you do, how much your friends support you, you know the spiral cannot be stopped? Welcome to my Tuesday. So I won’t be a hypocrite and post thing keeping me sane portion this week, because nothing in my arsenal of self-care kept me from tipping over the edge this week. Sorry friends. Hopefully, I can re-set and get back to you next week.