A couple of months ago, Baby O, the hubs and I ran into an old friend at one of our favorite restaurants. After our initial hugs, the friend put his hand on my stomach and asked, genuinely beaming, “Are y’all working on number 2?”
“No, I haven’t worked off having number 1,” I deadpanned, moving Baby O defensively in front of my squishy tummy.
Embarrassed, he apologized profusely, and we all quickly changed the subject, although the comment hurt my feelings deeply. I was telling someone about it last week and I think I actually almost teared up.
Fast forward to about a little over a month ago, when my mom offered me her workout videotapes (yes, videotapes, not DVDs), which may or may not have included some starring Richard Simmons. She suggested that I pop them in while O naps.
“Every little bit helps,” she offered.
I know, I know. I’m such a self-absorbed B for even writing about this. I am fully aware that this is the epitome of #firstworldproblem and #privilege. “Oh, you’re no longer a size 0? F’ in boo hoo, Mey.” Yup, I get it.
To be honest, this post has been rattling around in my brain for a while, but I’ve been too ashamed to share. I know that we all struggle with our own insecurities and I certainly don’t think my experience is more important or more difficult than anyone else’s, but when I joined this blog journey, I promised that I would keep it real above all else.
So in the spirit of being open and vulnerable and perfectly honest, I may or may not have cried in a Target dressing room, while trying on bathing suits this year. I may or may not have put on my Spanx so tightly that it left deep painful red welts across my stomach when I took it off. I may or may not habitually over scrutinize the reflection in the mirror when I step out of the shower but in secret to avoid the hubs admonishment (who always lovingly follows with, “I’d still hit it and that’s all that matters,” which does make me feel a little better).
But in my defense, I think this post is less about the mommy weight I’ve put on – -and it’s more about the mommy wait I’m currently in – this period of time where I have struggled with letting go of who I used to be and moving toward embracing the new role of “mommy” (I guess 9 months in, I can’t claim that it’s new) and discovering and accepting who I am now.
Bad news: I’m not going to lie – it’s been tough letting go.
The old Mey who went on her first cruise with her bestie in 2009 could eat and drink anything she wanted and still wear a 2-piece bathing suit. The old Mey completed her first triathlon in 2012 and has since completed a couple more, in addition to 6 marathons and 22 half marathons. The old Mey had the luxury of working out 4-5 times a week and rightly or wrongly so, it directly tied to how she felt about herself…
The good news is that I think I’m taking small steps.
I’ve made it a priority to make time to work out twice a week (although one of those workouts is before the sun comes up). I’m hoping to build up to three. I suffered through a 5 day juice cleanse (to be blogged about later) and have come to the conclusion that food contributes more to my happiness than the number of workouts I get. And I’ve lost 4 pounds over the last month, but more importantly, my recent choice of workouts – Beyond 500 and SoulCycle have made me feel stronger and dare I say, more like a bad-ass?
And I guess, if my recent lifestyle changes aren’t enough, I could always take my mom up on her Richard Simmons videos.