If you are too young to not have the song I based my title on stuck in your head, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
I had to make a pretty big decision this weekend. It was not one I was expecting, but truthfully, it was a long time coming. I made a decision to break-up with, for lack of a better term ‘partner,’ last weekend. It was hard to come to terms that something that lasted two years was ending. Then the panic set in, how do I actually separate my life from my partner’s? Someone (me) who tweets a lot about struggles with #Adulting doesn’t really know how to do these things. I decided I would leave a note, guaranteeing that all that I wanted to say would be said without me getting emotional. I mean, I am willing to talk after leaving the note, but I don’t think the other party will. Will I ever learn to be a grown-up? Here is a copy of the note I left, along with some pictures of us in happier times, you know because salt in the wounds.
I remember when we first met. It was a Saturday morning in September 2014 at the Run-On in Southlake. I was on a mission to get some running shoes that didn’t hurt me, and wasn’t expecting you to be there at all. Was it serendipity? I think you must have overheard the lady tell me I’d have to get men’s running shoes because I had men’s feet, I was so mortified; but as far as first impressions go, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. We went out later that afternoon. It was stilted. I clearly didn’t know what I was doing, we decided to take it slow. We were on a journey you said, not a race. And what a journey it was.
In the first few months, we did a lot together. I didn’t think I would be spending so much time with you. Do you remember the cruise to the Bahamas that Halloween? We spent a lot of time together that trip, often not seeing my friends for hours. We admired the horizon and vast expanse of the ocean in quiet moments. The quiet moments were the best…
I brought you home to meet my family for Christmas. We took a nice walk around my adolescent neighborhood, me marveling in all the changes, you being as stoic as you have always been. In January 2015, you went to California with me and we walked on the beach, had pressed juice on the pier, ate at Roscoe’s, and spent late nights in the hotel gym. We got into a rhythm, we had shared goals and milestones we were working towards together. Sometimes you came on work trips with me and when you did, it was always special. Do you remember walking to the gourmet market in Philadelphia to buy snacks, then ducking into that random Chinese restaurant for lunch? And when we emerged, it was snowing? I had never walked during a first snow before. You were so thoughtful and careful with me on the walk back to the hotel, my fear of tripping and penchant of falling at the forefront of both our minds. I thank you for allowing me to enjoy all of these experiences, including brunches in D.C., walking down Liberty Avenue in Queens, and partying in Vegas. I hope you enjoyed them too.
Do you know what the best thing about our almost two years together were? How you were part of my personal transformation. You made me a better person. My struggles with loving myself would have tired a lesser person, but you withstood all of that crazy. You would provide me with a diversion, you made me get in the habit of sweating it out when I didn’t want to. You took me to movies where I would laugh raucously, never telling me to ‘shush.’ I think this is the most difficult thing about having to say goodbye, losing what we once had. We met when my plan to live my best life was still nascent. You and I had no idea that you would shoulder a large part of the execution of that plan. I think I can honestly say, that if we hadn’t met, I would not be where I am today. You stood by when I would meltdown, never intrusive, never critical, never more than an arm’s length away in case I needed you. I pulled so much strength from you because of that presence. You helped me see myself in a better way. You made me into a better person. And these feelings of familiarity and love may be the reason this relationship has lasted as long as it has.
It pains me to voice this: but we were never meant for the long-term. I think we have come to the end of our journey. Ever since we came back from Cabo, I have noticed a change in you. You are not as comfortable to be around as you once were. I am going through a lot right now, and I don’t blame you if you needed to lash out. We have given each other so much; to me you brought me the strength to change. To you, I provided random adventure. Do you remember the days when we would get in the car to run errands, but would end up having brunch at the farmer’s market, or how a simple afternoon walk led to us getting lost in the woods? You were always ride or die. I can promise you that I will try to honor the legacy of this relationship, to honor what we had together. No one can take away the fact that you will always hold a special place in my heart. Because of you, I now fully understand what that means; that our memories will be our memories forever, the good, the bad, the great, all of them. I shared them with you, and often you alone.
So my one and only, the time has come for us to part. You know I have trouble letting go, so you are going to have to be the stronger one. Do not let me come to you in tears saying I made a bad decision. You know deep in your heart this is over. Sometimes the pain you inflict feels purposeful. I can never be sure. You have gotten really good at being my silent sentinel, but if we continue down this path you will become weary of me. I know you would never be the one to end this, so it has to be me. Even at the end, you are helping me be a better person. My heart is pained with just the thought of saying goodbye, knowing I will never find another like you. I hope I made you as happy as you have made me.
Goodbye my love.Always Yours, Puja
Yeah, that’s right. The whole time I was talking about my Brooks running shoes. I wish I had better before and after photos with my beloved shoes. If you have ever started any kind of life-changing journey, you know the first few months are the hardest, one of my main excuses for not working out regularly as an adult were shin splints and other foot related injuries. And these shoes were so comfortable, that saying “my feet hurt” wasn’t an option to skip the gym. It was an option to skip doing laundry for months at a time, but not the gym. According to my Fitbit stats I have racked up over 2,400 miles and a little over 1.9 million calories burned since owning them. They truly have seen me through some of the most transformative moments in my [recent] life.If it wasn’t for the fact that my ankles, shins and joints hurt when I workout now, I would wear them until the earth ate through them. Lets all say a collective prayer that the pain is a result of the shoes and not my age.
Things Keeping Me Sane This Week: Well for one, I will get to go buy new shoes. Also that Neil Sedaka performance in the link at the top is pure gold. Pure comedy gold. He looks like a lost grad student who was told ‘dance or die’ and that is what happened. Poor Neil Sedaka.
One thought on “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do”
You are an amazing woman in so many ways.
I’m honoured that we are related even though we
Have never met. Maybe one day we will. XO