by Laura

I find myself in the ‘family way’ again and it’s summer. I originally set off to share with you “Ways to Beat Heat While Pregnant”, but I have the attention span of a gnat. I was distracted by two (2) whole products and an after childbirth hack that sent me into shits and giggles. Now these are real items, some women, I assume, LOVE them, I tried and I failed with them. The products themselves did not fail. My inner 13-year old puberty-stricken psyche defeated what could be honest hacks. If you own them, tried them, created them, love them: Congratulations! You are more mature than me. Read on and remember it’s okay to laugh at my failures.

The Hot Girl Pearls

The premise is simple, it’s jewelry that contains a liquid (probably water, duh); you freeze them; you wear them; it keeps you cool.

My mother bought these for me to try out. No problem, Momma, will do.

See how dainty and lady-like they look?! I’m not sure what size my mother bought, but the pearls are the size of golf balls and would only look dainty on a rhinoceros. I used them and I swear I was wearing a full strand of Ben Wa Balls around my neck. Now if you’re really an innocent, those are balls that can be inserted into your nether regions (front door or back) for pleasure or pain – whatever you’re in to (no judgment here).

They did keep my neck cool, but then they started to sweat and there is nothing like feeling sweating ball juice running down your neck.

Kinesio Tape

This stuff seems to have exploded on the market when the American Olympic Women’s Beach Volleyball team ruled the sand repeatedly in their teeny tiny bikinis (this is not snark talking, this is pure jealously). In theory, it helps realign weak muscles, increase blood flow, and provide extra support and should work well with momma-to-be and her burgeoning belly.

Yeah, that’s not a photo of me. She’s way too athletic, but she was nice enough to post her photo on the internet with ‘how-to’ advice. That’s what it is supposed to look like. This, however, is what it felt like:

And the taking off of said tape?! Sweet mother, that shit hurt! There are tender spots on a growing baby bump. You may not know they exist until you rip adhesive mother effing athletic tape off, but you’ll find the spot and wish wish wish it is only as painful as getting things waxed.

My firstborn entered this world via c-section. My experience was great. There were drugs and everyone else did it all. While this one leans towards the same result, I could still face a natural birth. It terrifies me. They talk about ripping and shredding and things being swollen for weeks. So I still read up on what happens if you go ‘natural’. This lead me to…

Vagina Popsicles

The Labor & Delivery nurse told my childbirth class the best thing after child birth was to put ice in a newborn diaper – it’s small, cold, absorbent, non-messy, and disposable – and cools inflamed areas. And then the internet took it one step further. A vagina popsicle is a condom full of water and frozen. You place it gently in your pantaloons and let it cool your full length of your girly bits.

Here is the photo:

So I suppose that I’m to take my heavily preggers self to the store to buy condoms (won’t that make a photo op – um, lady, I think it’s too late for these?). Next, at me leisure, I’m going to unroll them, fill them up, and line my freezer with them? I would LOVE to see the look on my mother-in-law’s face when she comes across them while storing her world famous banana ice cream in my freezer. Do I get ribbed? Flavored? These things are lubricated – its seems like a slippery slope (hahaha – see shits and giggles).

The world in full of not so secret advice and worldly knowledge on how to help a pregnant girl survive. Honestly for me its loads of pillows, stretchy undies (or lock the door and live nude – no one needs to see that – they really don’t) and sit under an a/c vent sipping some boring non-alcoholic fruity beverage with a fully charged smart phone and the remote control. If you find yourself recuperating, try them out, see what works. There is no right answer. There is a blog, however, where you can share what works and really doesn’t work. Approach it with laugher – it makes it better.