by Laura

She doesn’t need it, but Chrissy Teigen has my full support. She’s coming into the spotlight for a new reason in that she ‘chose’ to have a girl as a result of IVF. Before you say yes or no or good or bad – have you ever struggled with fertility? Do you think she voluntarily chose to go that route? Do you understand the need for need medical intervention in reproduction? Have you been devastated month after month because that little stick only had one line?

As a member of ‘society’ you can be part of the conversation, but limit your self-righteous condemnation of another person’s choice imagine if any of those questions above applied to you.

Puberty hits and people are biologically ready for procreation. That’s at 11 or 12 for some girls (yes, girls). Several hundred (or fewer) years ago babies did have babies. That was the way. Some women now have the freedom of choice; the choice to say yes, no, not now because they aren’t ready for their own reason. But what happens when you’re ready, but your body says no?

A woman has a limited fertility window each month during ovulation. Even after all these years and advancements in medicine, it’s an inexact science. You wish for the best, take your temperature, chart things, pee on stick every morning and then **** like bunnies. But then you have to wait. There is even a name for it: the two-week wait.

No more charts, no more temperatures, and too early for (more) tests. You have no option but to wait until the stick has two (2) lines or just that one (1). There is literally nothing to do. Well that’s not true; there is lots you cannot do: drink alcohol, relax, uncurl your heart, exhale, explain your emotions out loud.

I have been there. I wanted one. My husband and I were ready. Pregnancy was in the air. I was surrounded by pregnant women. I was a god d@mn magnet for them. I can list (still) all the celebrities who had a baby during that time. It was fabulous for everyone. But me. For eternity that two-week wait stretched on. I was paralyzed with fear, guilt, worry, shame. I could not speak about it: to my husband, to my mother, to my best friend. If I tried to mention it, I would choke up and walk away. To this day, I cannot speak of that time without becoming raw. The silence of a uterus can be haunting.

I talked to God. I talked to myself. I went through my list of blessings (and curses), why I deserved that baby (or didn’t). I kept telling myself just one more month, one more try, and then I’ll call the doctor. But I couldn’t call her; that would mean admitting defeat, admitting that I failed at being a woman. Failing at the one thing I was biologically put on the planet to do.

If you’ve ready other posts you know that I was eventually blessed with a healthy baby. I did not have to go as far as Chrissy Tiegen or countless other women / couples who want to have a baby. I do not pretend to know or say that I have experienced their emotional turmoil that came with visiting specialists, hormones, or two-week waits that last years.

However, I carry the scars from the journey to motherhood (literally and figuratively). I cannot forget the fear, guilt, horror, shame that I allowed to overwhelm me just to get pregnant. I cannot forget that I was afraid to speak up or out. Chrissy Teigen has the public eye and a brave soul. Why don’t you try listening to her rather than setting off to judge her.

Why don’t you take two seconds, or in the case of judging someone for their fertility decisions, I dare you to wait two-full-effing-weeks, before you decide what they should do with their life. Wait and think about what if you didn’t have the choice. Wait and think maybe they are living in tremendous fear what my happen at the end of that two weeks.