I LOVE PERFORMANCE REVIEWS!
…said no one ever.
I hate to be melodramatic, but I would submit to you that it’s especially more difficult on overachieving people-pleasers like myself who are in BigLaw because:
(1) I need an “A+”
(2) I need you to like me, and
(3) BigLaw is highly critical and unforgiving.
But I digress. This isn’t a rant about performance reviews. Rather, it’s a recent revelation that a mentor of mine helped reveal because I have not been self-aware enough to figure out on my own:
I suck at self-promotion.
It was especially apparent when almost all of my reviewing attorneys had no idea that I have a small book of business and brought in two clients (four matters) while I was out on maternity leave, that I have begun developing expertise in a subject matter area, or that I have always fulfilled the recommended pro bono hours [all things associates are supposed to be doing]. And while I wish it didn’t matter, my lack of self-promotion may very likely stunt my career.
The worst part of it is this – even with this knowledge, the thought of exercising #humblebrag makes me feel icky. The thought of sending “FYI emails – I’m awesome emails” makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. Partly because it goes against how I’ve been raised. Partly because I’d like to believe in a system that rewards merit, not politics. Partly because there’s always a part of me that still wonders if I’m good enough… which leads me to another revelation:
I suck at self-affirmation.
Which is why this overachieving people-pleaser probably needs that A+ and needs you to like me….. Womp. Womp.
I hate to admit it, but whether it has been grades, my weight, billable hours or lately, how much breast milk I can produce for Baby O, how I view myself has rightly or wrongly depended on external factors.
In my 35 years, you would have thought that I would have learned by now to measure my self-worth differently…that I would learn to love myself for who I am and not based on what others think or what I can do.
Well, better late than never I guess.
I guess I can always start with a new mantra, Stuart-Smalley-style.
“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”
One thought on “Mantra with Mey”
Hey there! Just browsing around the blogosphere, finding some fun and interesting blogs to follow to make some new friends in 2016. If you like, hop on over to my world at http://www.allshadesofdramaticx.wordpress.com, and if you see anything you like, comment or follow! Have a great day and happy new year!